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what is the word for people that cant seem to grow as a person? i dont know, but im sure there is one.
sad...or pathetic?
All i know is that each day I try to be a better person, yes I do commonly have my off days where I fall back into immaturity, but damn. The majority of my days I try to better myself, with knowledge or growth as a person.
I hate that certain people cannot have this outlook on life, I feel bad for them, that they cant let go of all this past emotions and just be the bigger person.
I hate that I have to beg someone for my own things back, or even have to offer to pay them for it. I hate how someone I thought I loved for so long can seriously be the total opposite of everything I had preconceved notions about. I hate that they think I'm trying to start drama just for asking it back. I also hate how they honestly feel I cant let him go cause I want my possessions back. Wait I dont hate that, I actually find it quite amusing that they put that equation together. I guess they never expected I am truely content in my life, and who I surround myself with, and the fact of the matter is, this is just about tickets, JUST pieces of thick paper and nothing else.
I guess all I have left to do is pray. Pray that maybe someday I can finally get back what I feel is rightfully mine, since I did in fact pay for the damn thing. Pray that someday people will look past the past and actually leave it there. But that is just wishul thinking because instead of being the bigger person, they will try to hurt me by holding it against me. I know how much better it feels to let the little things go, to let the hurt and sadness go and MOVE ON.
Well I guess that is all right now. Im leaving this public because I hope they read it. I hope they realize its just about the fucking ticket, that means a lot to me and I would greatly appericate it if you could just look to see if you have it.
sad...or pathetic?
All i know is that each day I try to be a better person, yes I do commonly have my off days where I fall back into immaturity, but damn. The majority of my days I try to better myself, with knowledge or growth as a person.
I hate that certain people cannot have this outlook on life, I feel bad for them, that they cant let go of all this past emotions and just be the bigger person.
I hate that I have to beg someone for my own things back, or even have to offer to pay them for it. I hate how someone I thought I loved for so long can seriously be the total opposite of everything I had preconceved notions about. I hate that they think I'm trying to start drama just for asking it back. I also hate how they honestly feel I cant let him go cause I want my possessions back. Wait I dont hate that, I actually find it quite amusing that they put that equation together. I guess they never expected I am truely content in my life, and who I surround myself with, and the fact of the matter is, this is just about tickets, JUST pieces of thick paper and nothing else.
I guess all I have left to do is pray. Pray that maybe someday I can finally get back what I feel is rightfully mine, since I did in fact pay for the damn thing. Pray that someday people will look past the past and actually leave it there. But that is just wishul thinking because instead of being the bigger person, they will try to hurt me by holding it against me. I know how much better it feels to let the little things go, to let the hurt and sadness go and MOVE ON.
Well I guess that is all right now. Im leaving this public because I hope they read it. I hope they realize its just about the fucking ticket, that means a lot to me and I would greatly appericate it if you could just look to see if you have it.
Fear and Loathing in St. Louis
I haven't felt this way in a long time. Yet, here I am, feeling the same familiar uncertainty that I call my life.
I know whatever doesnt kill you, makes you stronger, yet even when I suffer, when I pick my tired, broken masochistic self off the hard floor, I never feel stronger. I feel just as weak as before.
I'm beginning to lose my faith in karma. I really do try to be a good person, and whenever I do slip up, I always truely feel remorseful and yet, I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
There are a few good things in my life, but I'm just afraid to get close or count of them for fear they might slip away. Will this ever stop?
I haven't felt this way in a long time. Yet, here I am, feeling the same familiar uncertainty that I call my life.
I know whatever doesnt kill you, makes you stronger, yet even when I suffer, when I pick my tired, broken masochistic self off the hard floor, I never feel stronger. I feel just as weak as before.
I'm beginning to lose my faith in karma. I really do try to be a good person, and whenever I do slip up, I always truely feel remorseful and yet, I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
There are a few good things in my life, but I'm just afraid to get close or count of them for fear they might slip away. Will this ever stop?
Life goes on...Obladi Oblada
Have you ever just wanted to pack up and leave town? Look in a new place for new faces and new experiences? Only to find out that your problems in fact, come in tow?
All I can remember for the longest time was to marry someone, be a stay at home mother, raise as many kids as I could possibly do. Be the best mother, take my kids to soccer practice, and hold bake sales and go to country club lunches. I would daydream about this idea. All my school projects, my life lists, everything would eventually come crawling back to this. This stepford bride syndrome. I now look back at this, and cringe, with a tear in my eye. I hate that I wanted that, maybe im envious or hurt that when people have it, I get so disgusted by it, I dont even want to be near it. Deep down however, I long for it. I often wonder if I get it, will I ever stop having something to look forward too? Im sick of the back and forth within my own thoughts.
The only man to have ever had my heart, crushed it so very deeply. Im never going to get that happily ever after. I know this. God NEVER gave me a cookie cutter life. Everything was always shit backwards.
I hate that whenever something amazing comes into my life, I try to sabatoge it. I wish I could erase my past, or someone elses, like in the movie eternal sunshine, only not with just the thoughts of it, like it never happened.
Have you ever just wanted to pack up and leave town? Look in a new place for new faces and new experiences? Only to find out that your problems in fact, come in tow?
All I can remember for the longest time was to marry someone, be a stay at home mother, raise as many kids as I could possibly do. Be the best mother, take my kids to soccer practice, and hold bake sales and go to country club lunches. I would daydream about this idea. All my school projects, my life lists, everything would eventually come crawling back to this. This stepford bride syndrome. I now look back at this, and cringe, with a tear in my eye. I hate that I wanted that, maybe im envious or hurt that when people have it, I get so disgusted by it, I dont even want to be near it. Deep down however, I long for it. I often wonder if I get it, will I ever stop having something to look forward too? Im sick of the back and forth within my own thoughts.
The only man to have ever had my heart, crushed it so very deeply. Im never going to get that happily ever after. I know this. God NEVER gave me a cookie cutter life. Everything was always shit backwards.
I hate that whenever something amazing comes into my life, I try to sabatoge it. I wish I could erase my past, or someone elses, like in the movie eternal sunshine, only not with just the thoughts of it, like it never happened.
everyone go and check out my friends blog at
www.kaelahbee.com
shes having a huge giveaway right now and anyone can join!
she is very creative and put together two amazing giveways~! go check it out!
www.kaelahbee.com
shes having a huge giveaway right now and anyone can join!
she is very creative and put together two amazing giveways~! go check it out!
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.d
Size XL
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?cat
Black and Silver
http://www.torrid.com/torrid/store/produ
size 1
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?cat
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.d
i dont know what size yet, i will try them on at walmart next time im there
http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Kalila-See
size 7
im feeling so lonely lately, even with all these people around me. even with three guys that want to be with me.
Im so sick of tired of heartbreak that i just push everyone away. and it just sucks that it has to happen this time of the year. I love christmas but i really feel that this puts a damper on things.
Been having some problems with my mom and the suckfest part is i cant even bring it up to her casue she will get so defensive and not even talk to me. nothing is ever her fault, she does nothing wrong. Basically she tells me that shes going to watch my son for me last night and decides to go out and get drunk, i get pissed off cause i know that my plans for the night are now ruined because i cant really leave a toddler with someone who has been drinking
so my aunt and uncle, who i think are by far the dumbest fucking people on the planet. they arent really blood related, they are distant once removed uncle and aunt so yeah.
but my uncle is sitting there telling me that i only 3 credits to get an ass degree at college. im like um, youre beyond moronic right now. so then i go into the bathroom i come out, my mom goes in there and the shower curtain hits her on the head and she blames me cause i was just in there. i never touched the thing. then i hear her talking shit about me and my mothering skills to my aunt. this is what sets me off. so i leave and go to my dads house.
if you have a problem bring it up with me, dont talk shit behind my back. just saying
so im going tomorrow to sign up for classes for college, im so stressed about it.
i just dont want to flunk out. its just stressing me out even thinking about it. anyways. im going to go to bed i guess. i have a lot i need ot do tomorrow, and hopefully i can do some thrifting while im in arnold.
I got some more christmas shopping done today and i only have one more thing to get and then i will be done. this christmas is probably going to suck but whatever. my parents are only buying for ethan and thats it. so i don tknow whats going to happen.
i dont really have anything to update. so im going to go watch the first season of friends since i recently got seasons 1-8 on dvd. ballah
Im so sick of tired of heartbreak that i just push everyone away. and it just sucks that it has to happen this time of the year. I love christmas but i really feel that this puts a damper on things.
Been having some problems with my mom and the suckfest part is i cant even bring it up to her casue she will get so defensive and not even talk to me. nothing is ever her fault, she does nothing wrong. Basically she tells me that shes going to watch my son for me last night and decides to go out and get drunk, i get pissed off cause i know that my plans for the night are now ruined because i cant really leave a toddler with someone who has been drinking
so my aunt and uncle, who i think are by far the dumbest fucking people on the planet. they arent really blood related, they are distant once removed uncle and aunt so yeah.
but my uncle is sitting there telling me that i only 3 credits to get an ass degree at college. im like um, youre beyond moronic right now. so then i go into the bathroom i come out, my mom goes in there and the shower curtain hits her on the head and she blames me cause i was just in there. i never touched the thing. then i hear her talking shit about me and my mothering skills to my aunt. this is what sets me off. so i leave and go to my dads house.
if you have a problem bring it up with me, dont talk shit behind my back. just saying
so im going tomorrow to sign up for classes for college, im so stressed about it.
i just dont want to flunk out. its just stressing me out even thinking about it. anyways. im going to go to bed i guess. i have a lot i need ot do tomorrow, and hopefully i can do some thrifting while im in arnold.
I got some more christmas shopping done today and i only have one more thing to get and then i will be done. this christmas is probably going to suck but whatever. my parents are only buying for ethan and thats it. so i don tknow whats going to happen.
i dont really have anything to update. so im going to go watch the first season of friends since i recently got seasons 1-8 on dvd. ballah
a lot has happened. i dont even know where to start, let me just start by saying, i hate black friday.
its like a damn ant colony around the stores. and unforuntaley i am one of those ants. standing in line, driving my car in the lines. if only i could be an actual ant and pick up twice my weight and pick up my car and just walk around the traffic.
I got almost all my shopping done, i bought some really cute and cheap stuff to give to certain random people to be nice, like my boss and whatever.
I finally got ahold of the insurance company and ethans medical bills will be paid off, goodbye sennex, stop calling me and my work you dirty nasty dogs. goodbye bad credit score. goodbye 1,754 dollar debt.
In other news, I just got over being sick, it was the worst stomach flu i have ever had in my life. I was running to the bathroom for four days, not to be to graphic but it was like straight liquid coming out from my bum. Apparently this is going around, and i would not even wish it on my worst enemy.
In other news, Thanksgiving was good, I had a feeling I would be single for it and I was.
Jason and I broke up for good. It still hurts, but the physical part of the emotional pain is gone. heres the story
I found out that corey (my sons father) had been with this girl he told me he hadnt been with the whole time he was in jail, and for some reason once i had found out they were together this whole time, i started to get jealous, so i told jason "i need some time to figure this out and see where these feelings are coming from, we can still talk, just not about this" he said okay
then here comes the questions after he agreed to give me my space
i said jason, this is not giving me my space. i just wanted a couple days not to think about it so i can process it myself. he couldnt understand that, i said jason this is a relationship, you dont always get what you want. you have to compromise. he didnt grasp this concept. then he would say things like "this is the last time im going to talk to you about this but when can we talk about it" "this is the last time im going to talk about this, but when can you hear how i feel"
now all i wanted to do was have it off my mind and deal with it when im ready, i kept telling him i would hear what he had to say when i was ready but he wouldnt stop with the questions. all i wanted was some time and stuff to figure stuff out. he just couldnt give me not even an ounce of this so i told him it wasnt working out, with all our other problems. Thats when shit hit the fan. he automatically got so rude with me, blocked me from everything. then the day after would talk to me and apologize. we would talk and then he would just blow up again. and say rude shit like "good luck with corey" or " good lucky paying your bills" (he was paying mine while i was in school so i didnt have to work). so i finally got mad and started yelling at him and he blocked me from everything again, thats when i went and got the rest of my belongings from him. this was a shock to him and he started to be like im sorry etc etc. i guess he knew it was over when i came and got my stuff.
then he proceeds to tell me he wants to be friends, im like okay and i start talking to him like i normally would. then i find out the one girl that basically started all of our problems, he is talking to her again. i mean seriously, not even a week later and he is talking to her. all that time in therapy. all that effort i made, i felt like it was wasted.
I feel betrayed. etcetc
then we talk and he says he just wanted someone there, and since were not together, i cant really complain so i let it go. now he rushes me off the phone and is just really rude and says rude shit even though he wants to be friends. makes me cry on purpose. and yes i get it , hes hurt and upset, but so am i and im not treating him like this. i know he can treat me better, i have witnessed it.
so today i was shopping for black friday, and i call him cause he worked today at target and i wanted to know what was the hot toys this season cause i was at a loss on what to get ethan,
what does he do, be totally short wtih me and rush me off the phone
HELLO you wanted to be friends. i ask him what the hell this is all about, and maybe us being friends is a mistake, he said this is how he treats friends
um, no i lived with you, i have seen how you treat you friends and thats not it.
so i tell him that he needs to compromise, cause if he does want me in his life, this is the wrong way to go about it, and i laid out what i had to say and the ball was in his court.
i come home to this on my aim.
Az(3:42:45 PM): Look. I'm sorry. It's just really hard. Because even though I don't show it. I'm fucking head over heels in love with you. I would give anything for you. But, I have to deal with the fact that, while I'm here pining over you, trying to get over you for the next year or so, you'll have already moved on. To someone who will make you feel better than I ever did. And I'll be the supportive friend. And be here for you, listen to your happiness, your heartache, everything. But dammit Courtney. I don't want to be that. I want the be that guy, the one who makes you feel good. I'm just having a hard time dealing with it. You're still the first person I think about when I get up in the morning, and the last person I think about before I sleep, when I hold your pillow. Don't think for a second I don't know how hard this is on you. I know it's hard on both of us. But this was your decision. I'm sorry I was rude. Said we weren't getting back together. I'd really like to work things out. I'm sure we could. But, I know you won't go back to that. So I have to learn to be friends. Anyways, I'm going to Ogre's for the night now. I'm sorry. Call me when you wake up tomorrow. I love you.
now, granted he was with his friend when all this went down, but is it okay to fucking be totally rude to someone when youre around your friends and then when you get on aim be nice and stuff so they cant see? i dont think so. i dont know what to do. he knows were not gettnig back together, even though its easier that way and it lets the pain go away. but if he doesnt want me in his life, thats fine, but dont tell me we need to be in each others lives cause you dont want to lose me as a best friend and treat me like shit.
in other news, i guess i will post my christmas list in a few, i still dont know what i want, besides the american apparel tri blend cardigan in my size, i had to give the other one away cause even after being alterted it didnt fit.
and some gift certificates to the chinese massage guys at the mall. i dont care how skeez ball it is, theya re good and the guy i go to is gay, so i dont feel weird.
I hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving and didnt get trampled when you went shopping.
this year all ethan wanted was toy story so i got him woody and buzz, and mr potatoe head, a go diego go backpack and a brand new bike, and a mater cars toy cause its the only one he doesnt have. i just spent three hundred on toys for him in oct. he still has packages he hasnt opened yet.
I guess im just going to be single for a while, last year i was around this time and went out on many dates. i was just playing the field. i dont think i will ever have someone fit my standards, and they arent even hard. i dont know what to do. maybe i should stalk talking to military guys, they have their heads on their shoulders and all of them get married fast lol
totally kidding, unless you know, you want me to cash your g.i bill =]
its like a damn ant colony around the stores. and unforuntaley i am one of those ants. standing in line, driving my car in the lines. if only i could be an actual ant and pick up twice my weight and pick up my car and just walk around the traffic.
I got almost all my shopping done, i bought some really cute and cheap stuff to give to certain random people to be nice, like my boss and whatever.
I finally got ahold of the insurance company and ethans medical bills will be paid off, goodbye sennex, stop calling me and my work you dirty nasty dogs. goodbye bad credit score. goodbye 1,754 dollar debt.
In other news, I just got over being sick, it was the worst stomach flu i have ever had in my life. I was running to the bathroom for four days, not to be to graphic but it was like straight liquid coming out from my bum. Apparently this is going around, and i would not even wish it on my worst enemy.
In other news, Thanksgiving was good, I had a feeling I would be single for it and I was.
Jason and I broke up for good. It still hurts, but the physical part of the emotional pain is gone. heres the story
I found out that corey (my sons father) had been with this girl he told me he hadnt been with the whole time he was in jail, and for some reason once i had found out they were together this whole time, i started to get jealous, so i told jason "i need some time to figure this out and see where these feelings are coming from, we can still talk, just not about this" he said okay
then here comes the questions after he agreed to give me my space
i said jason, this is not giving me my space. i just wanted a couple days not to think about it so i can process it myself. he couldnt understand that, i said jason this is a relationship, you dont always get what you want. you have to compromise. he didnt grasp this concept. then he would say things like "this is the last time im going to talk to you about this but when can we talk about it" "this is the last time im going to talk about this, but when can you hear how i feel"
now all i wanted to do was have it off my mind and deal with it when im ready, i kept telling him i would hear what he had to say when i was ready but he wouldnt stop with the questions. all i wanted was some time and stuff to figure stuff out. he just couldnt give me not even an ounce of this so i told him it wasnt working out, with all our other problems. Thats when shit hit the fan. he automatically got so rude with me, blocked me from everything. then the day after would talk to me and apologize. we would talk and then he would just blow up again. and say rude shit like "good luck with corey" or " good lucky paying your bills" (he was paying mine while i was in school so i didnt have to work). so i finally got mad and started yelling at him and he blocked me from everything again, thats when i went and got the rest of my belongings from him. this was a shock to him and he started to be like im sorry etc etc. i guess he knew it was over when i came and got my stuff.
then he proceeds to tell me he wants to be friends, im like okay and i start talking to him like i normally would. then i find out the one girl that basically started all of our problems, he is talking to her again. i mean seriously, not even a week later and he is talking to her. all that time in therapy. all that effort i made, i felt like it was wasted.
I feel betrayed. etcetc
then we talk and he says he just wanted someone there, and since were not together, i cant really complain so i let it go. now he rushes me off the phone and is just really rude and says rude shit even though he wants to be friends. makes me cry on purpose. and yes i get it , hes hurt and upset, but so am i and im not treating him like this. i know he can treat me better, i have witnessed it.
so today i was shopping for black friday, and i call him cause he worked today at target and i wanted to know what was the hot toys this season cause i was at a loss on what to get ethan,
what does he do, be totally short wtih me and rush me off the phone
HELLO you wanted to be friends. i ask him what the hell this is all about, and maybe us being friends is a mistake, he said this is how he treats friends
um, no i lived with you, i have seen how you treat you friends and thats not it.
so i tell him that he needs to compromise, cause if he does want me in his life, this is the wrong way to go about it, and i laid out what i had to say and the ball was in his court.
i come home to this on my aim.
Az(3:42:45 PM): Look. I'm sorry. It's just really hard. Because even though I don't show it. I'm fucking head over heels in love with you. I would give anything for you. But, I have to deal with the fact that, while I'm here pining over you, trying to get over you for the next year or so, you'll have already moved on. To someone who will make you feel better than I ever did. And I'll be the supportive friend. And be here for you, listen to your happiness, your heartache, everything. But dammit Courtney. I don't want to be that. I want the be that guy, the one who makes you feel good. I'm just having a hard time dealing with it. You're still the first person I think about when I get up in the morning, and the last person I think about before I sleep, when I hold your pillow. Don't think for a second I don't know how hard this is on you. I know it's hard on both of us. But this was your decision. I'm sorry I was rude. Said we weren't getting back together. I'd really like to work things out. I'm sure we could. But, I know you won't go back to that. So I have to learn to be friends. Anyways, I'm going to Ogre's for the night now. I'm sorry. Call me when you wake up tomorrow. I love you.
now, granted he was with his friend when all this went down, but is it okay to fucking be totally rude to someone when youre around your friends and then when you get on aim be nice and stuff so they cant see? i dont think so. i dont know what to do. he knows were not gettnig back together, even though its easier that way and it lets the pain go away. but if he doesnt want me in his life, thats fine, but dont tell me we need to be in each others lives cause you dont want to lose me as a best friend and treat me like shit.
in other news, i guess i will post my christmas list in a few, i still dont know what i want, besides the american apparel tri blend cardigan in my size, i had to give the other one away cause even after being alterted it didnt fit.
and some gift certificates to the chinese massage guys at the mall. i dont care how skeez ball it is, theya re good and the guy i go to is gay, so i dont feel weird.
I hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving and didnt get trampled when you went shopping.
this year all ethan wanted was toy story so i got him woody and buzz, and mr potatoe head, a go diego go backpack and a brand new bike, and a mater cars toy cause its the only one he doesnt have. i just spent three hundred on toys for him in oct. he still has packages he hasnt opened yet.
I guess im just going to be single for a while, last year i was around this time and went out on many dates. i was just playing the field. i dont think i will ever have someone fit my standards, and they arent even hard. i dont know what to do. maybe i should stalk talking to military guys, they have their heads on their shoulders and all of them get married fast lol
totally kidding, unless you know, you want me to cash your g.i bill =]
what a bad couple of days.
yesterday our fridge went out, so we had to literally cram everything into coolers with ice to save it from going bad. my mom has tried to cook up as much random shit as she can so it wont go bad. last night it was pork chops. tonite it was eggs with cheese on top, cut up bananas and then some beans soup. lol random. then last night at about 2 am my step father was rushed to the hospital. he hadnt been able to pee for three days and the only thing that came out was blood. for three days!? i mean the first day i was peeing blood, i would go in to the hospital. but three? come on. thats insane. turns out he only had a kidney infection and was given some antibiotics to heal it. i hope it works.
i have fallen twice in two days, once was in the rain while getting ice to keep all our of stuff cold. i work in flip flops all year round which probably is not a very good idea, but whatever. so the paint in the parking lot of the grocery store was wet and slick and down i went. i caught myself on the cart luckily. but my second toe on my left foot is killing me. its all cracked in half =[. then i fell today on my way to work and slammed right on my ass, and into a puddle so of course it looked like i pissed myself. i need new flip flops but no place has them, because they are out of stock.
i need to get so much accomplished in the month of november.
i have a dental appointment, i have never been to one, im kind of freaking out. my family was to poor to take me and i know i have a least four cavaities. i know, sick, but what can you do. i also have a vision test but thats not to bad, i do that yearly.
i have to go get a pevlic ultrasound done. the kind where you have to drink like 40oz of liquid before and they stick that little dildo thing with a light up you. my gyno things i have a cyst on my ovary =/
then i have to go back to my gyno, and have another pap. i dont know about you but the paps like, make me feel so bad. i seriously have to not drink like 12 hours before hand, and pee like 15 times, because im afraid ill pee on my gyno lol i dont know if its just nerves or what, but it really freaks me out, and it makes me really uncomfortable.
i also found out that my sons insurance did not pay for him to be born so now i have an outstanding bill of 1,754 dollars because they didnt. i have been calling every place. and they are going to resubmit it. he was FULLY covered. everyone i talked to says it, and they should have paid. i hate insurance companies.
i also have to go apply to college i have no idea what i want to do this sememster and it scares the shit out of me
i told andrew tonite again that i no longer wished to talk to him. im just sick of how if we talk online or through text messages all we do is fight. all he wants to do is bash jason and i cant handle it. were supposed to be friends. he bitches cause all he knows is outdated information. i told him over and over i will not tell him anything else about jason and our life together because all he does is use it against me, or bring it up in some negative light. i wish he could just put our past and the situation behind us and just be friends. i wish he could just be supportive of me and my decisions even if he doesnt believe in it. he should be happy that someone is at least taking care of the person hes in love with. even if its not him, that should at least give him a little piece of mind.
i really want to get started on a new show. im currently finishing that 70s show.
after that i want to get on something else, past or presently running.
any suggestions?
alrighty, im going to bed. i have to get up early and take my son to school and then go over to jasons and jump on his bed til he wakes up lol
sorry this post had a lot of issues that involved urinating
goodnight
yesterday our fridge went out, so we had to literally cram everything into coolers with ice to save it from going bad. my mom has tried to cook up as much random shit as she can so it wont go bad. last night it was pork chops. tonite it was eggs with cheese on top, cut up bananas and then some beans soup. lol random. then last night at about 2 am my step father was rushed to the hospital. he hadnt been able to pee for three days and the only thing that came out was blood. for three days!? i mean the first day i was peeing blood, i would go in to the hospital. but three? come on. thats insane. turns out he only had a kidney infection and was given some antibiotics to heal it. i hope it works.
i have fallen twice in two days, once was in the rain while getting ice to keep all our of stuff cold. i work in flip flops all year round which probably is not a very good idea, but whatever. so the paint in the parking lot of the grocery store was wet and slick and down i went. i caught myself on the cart luckily. but my second toe on my left foot is killing me. its all cracked in half =[. then i fell today on my way to work and slammed right on my ass, and into a puddle so of course it looked like i pissed myself. i need new flip flops but no place has them, because they are out of stock.
i need to get so much accomplished in the month of november.
i have a dental appointment, i have never been to one, im kind of freaking out. my family was to poor to take me and i know i have a least four cavaities. i know, sick, but what can you do. i also have a vision test but thats not to bad, i do that yearly.
i have to go get a pevlic ultrasound done. the kind where you have to drink like 40oz of liquid before and they stick that little dildo thing with a light up you. my gyno things i have a cyst on my ovary =/
then i have to go back to my gyno, and have another pap. i dont know about you but the paps like, make me feel so bad. i seriously have to not drink like 12 hours before hand, and pee like 15 times, because im afraid ill pee on my gyno lol i dont know if its just nerves or what, but it really freaks me out, and it makes me really uncomfortable.
i also found out that my sons insurance did not pay for him to be born so now i have an outstanding bill of 1,754 dollars because they didnt. i have been calling every place. and they are going to resubmit it. he was FULLY covered. everyone i talked to says it, and they should have paid. i hate insurance companies.
i also have to go apply to college i have no idea what i want to do this sememster and it scares the shit out of me
i told andrew tonite again that i no longer wished to talk to him. im just sick of how if we talk online or through text messages all we do is fight. all he wants to do is bash jason and i cant handle it. were supposed to be friends. he bitches cause all he knows is outdated information. i told him over and over i will not tell him anything else about jason and our life together because all he does is use it against me, or bring it up in some negative light. i wish he could just put our past and the situation behind us and just be friends. i wish he could just be supportive of me and my decisions even if he doesnt believe in it. he should be happy that someone is at least taking care of the person hes in love with. even if its not him, that should at least give him a little piece of mind.
i really want to get started on a new show. im currently finishing that 70s show.
after that i want to get on something else, past or presently running.
any suggestions?
alrighty, im going to bed. i have to get up early and take my son to school and then go over to jasons and jump on his bed til he wakes up lol
sorry this post had a lot of issues that involved urinating
goodnight
my step father was taken to the hospital tonite. 2 am. he hadnt been able to pee for three days. THREE DAYS?! why is that such a men thing to do? you wait till the last possible second to realize hey, maybe i need some medical attention?
well day was awesome but it also sucked
today was jason and i's anniversary, but everything we had planned went to shit.
we were going to go out to the pumpkin patch but it started to rain, and we slept in till 1230. well i did, he got up with ethan and let me sleep. i hate sleeping over there though because its so hot and humid in his room that i wake up with a throat full of phlegm ( get your mind out of the gutter) and my nose stuffed.
but anyways, yeah, we couldnt go out, and then i went to sallys to buy hair extenstions. i bought blonde ones and dyed them red, and then sewed them onto clips and put them in. well, lets jus say it didnt look right, the simple fact is, my hair is cut at a blunt end, because i had all these layers in my hair from when i got it cut before that i just got it chopped off at the end layer so when it grows out, it can grow in at one length.
well my hair doesnt blend with them at all, so there is 50 bucks down the drain.
which really sucks cause i hate my hair, im so used to having it long and now i have to wait for it to grow back out.
there wasnt much that went on today, just sat around and listened to the rain. cleaned up a little bit, and helped my mom print something because she lacks computer skillzzzz.
tuesday jason and i are going to get my nose pierced and go tanning. im just going to go like every two weeks and do a mystic tan so i can have some color. i think i would look better with something besides clear.
well this post is pretty useless, so ill update with some pictures.
( clickage for pickage )
today was jason and i's anniversary, but everything we had planned went to shit.
we were going to go out to the pumpkin patch but it started to rain, and we slept in till 1230. well i did, he got up with ethan and let me sleep. i hate sleeping over there though because its so hot and humid in his room that i wake up with a throat full of phlegm ( get your mind out of the gutter) and my nose stuffed.
but anyways, yeah, we couldnt go out, and then i went to sallys to buy hair extenstions. i bought blonde ones and dyed them red, and then sewed them onto clips and put them in. well, lets jus say it didnt look right, the simple fact is, my hair is cut at a blunt end, because i had all these layers in my hair from when i got it cut before that i just got it chopped off at the end layer so when it grows out, it can grow in at one length.
well my hair doesnt blend with them at all, so there is 50 bucks down the drain.
which really sucks cause i hate my hair, im so used to having it long and now i have to wait for it to grow back out.
there wasnt much that went on today, just sat around and listened to the rain. cleaned up a little bit, and helped my mom print something because she lacks computer skillzzzz.
tuesday jason and i are going to get my nose pierced and go tanning. im just going to go like every two weeks and do a mystic tan so i can have some color. i think i would look better with something besides clear.
well this post is pretty useless, so ill update with some pictures.
( clickage for pickage )
so while i was sick today and laying in bed, i made this meme. hope you enjoy. i think im behind but whatever i still cracked up
so my dad was just rushed to the hospital. he is 60 years old. he has been retaining water for the past couple of weeks and refused to go get helped. he doesnt make a lot of money and was worried about the costs and dying. he was supposed to go weds but refused, so on thursday my sister made him, and they said if she didnt, he would have died within like a month.
he went into the hospital with his feet so badly swollen he couldnt even walk, his stomach looked like he was pregnant.
im pretty sure youre supposed to breathe 100 breaths per min ( i could be wrong) and only came into the er with 58 breaths per minute. they said he was blue from lack of oxygen.
they put him on this medicine to help him pee out all this fluid.
and they put him on a breathing mask, and he was awake, and we laughed and stuff, but they told us he had congestive heart failure, and emphazema. and now they put him on a ventilater because all the years of smoking left all the co2 in his lungs and since he can barely breathe he cant push it out. so right now hes knocked out, on a breathing machine.
all my dad does is drink soda, smoke cigs and eat bad foods, and now hell have to go through all of this and do a complete life change.
so basically what im asking is if anyone has known anyone with either conditions and how long they lived on it, and what did they did to manage it? just anything you can tell me about it. wikipedia only says so much...i dont need stastics, i need personal stories.
thanks guys =/
he went into the hospital with his feet so badly swollen he couldnt even walk, his stomach looked like he was pregnant.
im pretty sure youre supposed to breathe 100 breaths per min ( i could be wrong) and only came into the er with 58 breaths per minute. they said he was blue from lack of oxygen.
they put him on this medicine to help him pee out all this fluid.
and they put him on a breathing mask, and he was awake, and we laughed and stuff, but they told us he had congestive heart failure, and emphazema. and now they put him on a ventilater because all the years of smoking left all the co2 in his lungs and since he can barely breathe he cant push it out. so right now hes knocked out, on a breathing machine.
all my dad does is drink soda, smoke cigs and eat bad foods, and now hell have to go through all of this and do a complete life change.
so basically what im asking is if anyone has known anyone with either conditions and how long they lived on it, and what did they did to manage it? just anything you can tell me about it. wikipedia only says so much...i dont need stastics, i need personal stories.
thanks guys =/
me neither dawson bb, me neither
movies i want to see in theaters
new moon (twilight sequel)
transformers.revenge of the fallen-
lovely bones (i want to read this before though so well see )
harry potter (whichever the new one is called, ha)
where the wild things are
17 again
funny people
a christmas carol
i love you, man
hes just not that into you
duplicity
revolionary road
the curious case of benjamin button
yes man
the new underworld
and these are what i want to see when they get out on dvd
night at the muesum 2, public enemies,bruno,xmen orgins:wolverine,sherlock holmes, the wolfman, amelia
I always say how much I would like to write, and I never sit down and do it. For some reason, the fear, anxiety, and confusion always takes over the creative side of my brain.
As I find myself getting into another relationship, I start to wonder, am I setting myself up for failure? Whenever I'm single, I feel like I have all the answers. I know I'm not going to get upset if someone doesnt get ahold me, I know I can sleep without hearing goodnight from his mouth. The answer of, am I going to sleep alone tonite? or Should I shave? , well Im already in the know of those answers. When I'm single, my underwear and bra never have to match.
When youre in a relationship, you always have questions.
Does he like me? Will he call? Should I wear this? Can I say that without being too forward? Is this moving too fast? Should I sleep with him? If I sleep with him will he just want sex from now on?
I thought the happily ever after was supposed to be getting married, being happy, and procreating. None of my friends that are married are actually happy, at least not enough to even think about procreating. In this busy life style of the 21st century, when did we stop believing in happily ever after?
Of course I've had my fair share of frogs and no princes. When I say frogs, that is mostly giving them credit. Where did the hope go? When I recall my past, it was always the guys running around doing the "bad" things. Now a days, its women cheating, lying, and running amuck. When did the tables turn? Are women finally getting fed up with it and having sex like men? How are these hyrid women coping with all the "in a relationship" questions as stated above?
As I find myself getting into another relationship, I start to wonder, am I setting myself up for failure? Whenever I'm single, I feel like I have all the answers. I know I'm not going to get upset if someone doesnt get ahold me, I know I can sleep without hearing goodnight from his mouth. The answer of, am I going to sleep alone tonite? or Should I shave? , well Im already in the know of those answers. When I'm single, my underwear and bra never have to match.
When youre in a relationship, you always have questions.
Does he like me? Will he call? Should I wear this? Can I say that without being too forward? Is this moving too fast? Should I sleep with him? If I sleep with him will he just want sex from now on?
I thought the happily ever after was supposed to be getting married, being happy, and procreating. None of my friends that are married are actually happy, at least not enough to even think about procreating. In this busy life style of the 21st century, when did we stop believing in happily ever after?
Of course I've had my fair share of frogs and no princes. When I say frogs, that is mostly giving them credit. Where did the hope go? When I recall my past, it was always the guys running around doing the "bad" things. Now a days, its women cheating, lying, and running amuck. When did the tables turn? Are women finally getting fed up with it and having sex like men? How are these hyrid women coping with all the "in a relationship" questions as stated above?
I think the biggest thing to actually admit in life is that youre a hypocrite.
Life is a catch 22.
Ive had three guys ask me out on dates. Guys that a year ago, I would be surprised if they liked me. Now I'm sitting here making up excuses not to go on dates with them. Why am I so afraid to take the leap? Have I really become THAT cynical?
I was reading old posts, and I read the one about my step father have prostate cancer. I was really torn up while writing it and reading it brought back some tears. I have happy to say hes 70 years old and is cancer free. = ]
Its amazing how far weve come isnt it?
Life is a catch 22.
Ive had three guys ask me out on dates. Guys that a year ago, I would be surprised if they liked me. Now I'm sitting here making up excuses not to go on dates with them. Why am I so afraid to take the leap? Have I really become THAT cynical?
I was reading old posts, and I read the one about my step father have prostate cancer. I was really torn up while writing it and reading it brought back some tears. I have happy to say hes 70 years old and is cancer free. = ]
Its amazing how far weve come isnt it?
you used to say all the right things and now youre fumbling for words.
Current Location: mi case
Current Music: wolf in sheeps clothing - this providence
my anxiety is coming back. i can feel it. im so on edge and i have this lump in my chest where im like effortless anxious. my mom said im not loosing my mind, which i feel on edge about, she says my mind is running wild and im letting it get the best of me. kinda scarey considering the fact that i have ocd and i OBSESS over things.
im newly single, and im enjoying it better than being with someone, i guess the stress of this other stuff is taking place of the stress of my realtionship i had. but breaking things off with john was considerable for the best. he is a jackass who plays a lot of childish games. im so sick of dating boys and i really want a man. why would you try to delete your text messages right in front of me when i saw you had an inbox full of them. i am no longer looking for a guy. im looking for someone who will go to warped tour with me, and not bitch about how hot it is, or if they have to pee or anything. someone who will stalk paramore with me. i also want someone whos wants to dress up as holly golightys beau from breakfast at tiffanys, Paul Varjak.
i want someone who likes to listen to the commentarys to movies.
anyways, this was just a blog to get some of these thoughts out on ..um. font. and out of my head.
im newly single, and im enjoying it better than being with someone, i guess the stress of this other stuff is taking place of the stress of my realtionship i had. but breaking things off with john was considerable for the best. he is a jackass who plays a lot of childish games. im so sick of dating boys and i really want a man. why would you try to delete your text messages right in front of me when i saw you had an inbox full of them. i am no longer looking for a guy. im looking for someone who will go to warped tour with me, and not bitch about how hot it is, or if they have to pee or anything. someone who will stalk paramore with me. i also want someone whos wants to dress up as holly golightys beau from breakfast at tiffanys, Paul Varjak.
i want someone who likes to listen to the commentarys to movies.
anyways, this was just a blog to get some of these thoughts out on ..um. font. and out of my head.